“I’m going through changes”

Wow wow wow.

Where do I even begin?

These past few years has been tough on my mental state, my body and health and I felt like I’ve disconnected from spirituality and most of all my relationship with my boyfriend.

I was always angry. The moment I would wake up I would already be furious. Nothing satisfied me. I felt lethargic every day. A lot of the days it was so unbelievably hard to get out of bed and do something. All the things I loved doing like Tarot and Drawing, Journaling seemed like an unbearable chore. Yet the only thing I did what felt religiously was cleaning, working, and scroll on my phone. Literally just scrolling my life away in bed. Day after fucking day. I knew it’s not what I wanted for me but I didn’t know how to get out of the loop. I felt so stuck and stagnant like I was an animal experiencing zoochosis.

I had so many stomach issues. My body would just be so achy and tensed for what seemed like no reason. I started to have skin issues as well, I would break out in hives when I would get really hot and moved too much. The acne on my face got insane.

While all this was happening I always had the thought “break up with your boyfriend” would float around in my mind. Now why the hell would I do that? I didn’t understand why I would even listen to that so I ignored it. I didn’t think I needed too. I cared for him, I would make food for him. We had fun moments here and there, but that was just the bare minimum.

There was this animosity I had towards him, I would always be so mean to him for no reason. I would tense up when he would be near me. He’s a good man why am I acting like this towards him? Why won’t my body let me love him? I thought it was just the trauma I experienced from my past. So I would try and push through it and ignore it sometimes but that resentment and my body tensing would always show up no matter how hard I tried to not be that way.

I blamed him for not being more clean or helping out with dishes and chores. I mean he would clean but it didn't feel enough to me. I always blamed my anger on it not knowing it was much deeper than that.

One night I had a dream where him and I had these bodily strings that were a tangled mess and they became loose and unstuck and a light explosion happened. I woke up thinking hmm? That was weird maybe we are too attached. Whatever, didn’t think too much into it. Then this recent full moon, I went outside and vented to the moon I’m so fucking tired of feeling this way. Why am I always binge eating? Why do I always feel like shit? Why can’t my tarot business pop off? Why can’t I love and be loved by him? Why am I always so fucking angry? I left it at that.

That same night I dreamt about me breaking up with my boyfriend. And while I did that I could deeply feel the resentment that I had towards him was actually towards myself and I was just projecting onto him. This anger had absolutely nothing to do with him. I was so angry at myself for ignoring the signs, and for ignoring how my body felt and ignoring my needs. And in that dream too I texted my best friend saying ”hey, that thing you manifested for me just happened”.

I don’t know if you’ve seen this tik tok trend where you manifest something for your friend and they manifest something for you but you don’t tell each other what it is until it happens. I told her about about my dream and she sent me a screenshot of what she wanted for me.

Like hello??? Is that not fucking magical???

I could no longer fucking ignore it. I thank the lions gate portal for giving me the courage to finally do what needed to be done.

If you don’t know what the Lions Gate portal is, it’s a cosmic portal where Sirius aligns with the sun, Orion and Earth. Sirius is the bright star that symbolizes courage and luck.

It’s hard for me to fully express what I want. At first I tried to tell him how I felt about all these signs and he said well okay let’s try and fix this this and this. I kinda agreed because I was too scared to break this cycle/relationship. I had hopeful thinking okay maybe THIS time we can fix it. But waking up the next day, that same feeling was there. It was so loud and too hard to ignore that I just had to finally tell him that we should end this relationship. He left the house after I told him. It wasn’t easy but I felt like my body was able to relax and I was able to release all these emotions that were stuck in my body. All though I felt uncomfortable and had all these big feelings , it felt like I did the right thing. Even if he didn’t agree and would end up hating me it just felt like the right thing to do. I can’t sit here and try to convince someone how they SHOULD feel so I let him just feel whatever he was feeling. It scared me thinking he would hate me forever. He is still my best friend and that’s what we should have been, not a couple. I let go of what I felt he “should” feel towards me. If he resented me, fine. Maybe it was karma for me feeling resentful towards him all these years.

He ended up coming back to the house realizing that this was the right decision. We talked and cried together and I could already feel how are relationship was better. We talked about what our plans are next.

The path laid out perfectly for both of us. The universe was loud with the support we needed to move onto the next chapter. We both wanted the same thing, moving out of my parents house into a cleaner, and healthier environment where we actually felt loved and supported. Living at home felt so stagnant and honestly miserable. I can’t handle the hoarding situation, and it felt like my parents only complained about.. basically his and my existence. We thought we were going to move out together but it wasn’t meant to be that way. Sometimes the thing you want for yourself isn’t exactly how you pictured it for you.

He’s moving to Georgia back with his family while I go to Missouri and live with my long distant best friend.

I was already flying out to her in less then a week but she asked me what if you move in with us? They had an extra room so I thought why the hell not?? The last time I visited them I kept finding little Stars everywhere I went. I didn’t know what it meant at that time but looking back I can tell they were loud little signs saying hey you can thrive here.

I thought I would move in a month or two but she realized her husband is off of work for this week so they could easily drive down to come get me and my stuff. It felt so fast but it was just too perfect of timing not to do it. I felt like if I said no to this opportunity I would regret it deeply. Both of them really opposed of me staying here in my parents house. And I agreed. I love my parents and I’m grateful for everything they’ve done for me but there is just no emotional connection with them. And that’s most important to me. I’ve never felt supported by them and when I told them I’m moving they were mad. They were the only ones who weren’t happy for me in my decision. It hurt. A lot. It still hurts thinking about it. But for the first time in a long 31 years of my life, I feel confident in my decision. Even if the ones who I felt were important to me didn’t agree. I wish my parents the best and hope they can grow even if I’m not here. I still want what is best for them.

I’m excited and nervous but feel ready for this new chapter in my life.

If you’ve read this till the end. Thank you.

Thank you to everyone who supports and trusts me.